i came. i saw.

whoring@gmail.com — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:02:32 GMT

So, I figured out my problem.

I lead a very routine, structured life.

That's right.

Everything has to be just so.

Well, once in a great while, this gets to me. I start getting restless. Next thing you know, I'll do something completely out of character.

Then back to normal again.

Except, it's not always that easy to go back.

And given my compassionate nature, I prolong things way longer than I should. And that creates all sorts of nasty situations.

?

whoring@gmail.com — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:01:16 GMT

I've lost touch with a lot of important people in my life. And quite a few of them without nary a goodbye. Somewhere, somehow, those feelings I used to have that ran my life died. Just like that. And when I think of how much impact they made on me then, and how little import they hold now... it's kind of baffling. Before, just the thought of that person you loved leaving you... you freak out. You say things you never thought you'd say, do things you'd never thought you do. Now, it's like... nothing. I don't know how else to say it. There's no hate, no love. Nothing.

And it's not only the romantic ones... but the platonic ones as well.

LJ cut my ass. That's right.

whoring@gmail.com — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:13:55 GMT

Eeee so cute!

whoring@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:28:52 GMT

Normally she's a good baby, but

whoring@gmail.com — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:17:33 GMT

they gave her some of her shots today and now she is like the crankiest baby, ever. EVER.

whoring@gmail.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:34:28 GMT

nGDWee/

whoring@gmail.com — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 17:18:12 GMT

So, he suggested we break up.

And we did.

So that's that.

What are you going to do now.

whoring@gmail.com — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 00:56:48 GMT

There are times when I find myself staring at the big pile of dirt outside the kitchen window while washing Layla's bottle and thinking to myself...

Someone, somewhere, please, just shoot me.

I fucking hate my life. That's right. I'm sappy. Any excuse to just end it.

Every time I hear him laughing or carrying on with his life as if he hasn't a worry in the world, I want to stomp on his head. Stomp stomp stomp. But he's so fucking thickheaded, I'd only hurt my foot. That fucker. How dare he laugh and smile while I cry myself to sleep everynight thanks to his dumbass putting me thousands of dollars in debt. ffqwefjnfewjkqJQW I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYTJMORE.!!!

I can't keep paying all the bills. And boy, do they pile. I should have listened to my parents and ran when I had the chance. Now I stare at my daughter and think YOU... I'M TIED BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Who am I kidding. It's not her fault. It's mine. Mine mine mine...

Phone.

whoring@gmail.com — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 17:34:39 GMT

So, since douchebag broke the other one... my mama got me a new phone. I kinda like it. It's a lot lighter than my previous one.

I got insurance on it. Just in case.

Layla.

whoring@gmail.com — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 22:18:44 GMT

How did I make such a cute baby. Seriously.

......................

whoring@gmail.com — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:31:30 GMT

So I threw a beer bottle at him. It shattered into a billion pieces. Then I cleaned it up, so it kind of ruined the effect.

The jackass snapped my phone into two pieces. I still have the part with the numbers... I just can't see who's calling... and I can only use speakerphone.

KJHBFBgk/

whoring@gmail.com — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 23:06:54 GMT

It was one of those nights where we kept to our sides of the bed. If one accidentally bumped into the other, both of us would automatically scoot away. I almost fell off the bed so many times, cuz the jerkface stole the side with the wall. >\

I forgot what you're supposed to do when you cry so much that the next morning your eyes look like those cartoon baby chickens. Extra makeup did nothing. I still look drugged up. Cept... like a hooker too.

You have to laugh about it sometimes.

whoring@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 23:52:43 GMT

Well.

Kyla came over to see her goddaughter, so I was with her and the baby in the house. Issac grabs my car keys and says he's going to clean out the car. I was like, "Why? I'm leaving soon anyway." But he does it anyway so I was like whatever. Mind you, those are the ONLY set of keys... after saying that, I'm sure you know where I'm going with this.

That's right. The dumbass locks my keys in my car with the car running.

So I had to borrow 50 bucks from my parents to have the towing company get my keys for me since... you know... I have no money because I'm still paying off that 730 to the fucking rental company thanks to his ass as mentioned in previous posts.

We just got into a huge argument. I let things slide too much, but I'm so fed up. He won't even look at me now cuz I told him he causes me nothing but pain and misery.

Fuck. Me. Hard.

whoring@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:45:36 GMT

Because of that accident Issac got into with the rental car... I just had to pay them 730 dollars. Issac owes me a lot of money, and that's not even counting all the money he borrowed from me to buy weed (without telling me but it's kinda silly cuz I find out anyway >O!!!). -_-

So anyway, that's the bad news. My bank account is in such a bad negative right now. I wanna cry, but for some reason I feel like laughing. What a fucking mess. Now I have to pick up hours to pay that off. I was supposed to go out with Kyla tonight but I can cross that off my list. I can't spend my money cuz I'm too busy paying for shit I didn't do. :(

Shoot me. Plz.

The good news is, I got my new car. A 2004 Nissan Maxima SL. I owe my parents 2500 for that too. Whatever happened to the days where I didn't have to worry about money?

jkVFWVg.

whoring@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:30:21 GMT

His mom called, his dad called, his brother called, his friend called, his bestfriend called... all saying, "Serena, I heard what Issac did. You poor thing. If there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to tell me. I'm here for you and the baby. Love you."

I'm just waiting for Issac to call me back cuz... to top it off, he has a suspended license... so... I need to know if he needs bail and... even better. He's on probation. Automatic 30 days.

This feels like deja vu. Cept with a baby.

Fuck. Me.

whoring@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:10:24 GMT

Tell me. What the fuck am I supposed to do. He totaled my other car. Granted, it wasn't his fault. But still. Now I have a rental, which I'm supposed to turn in Sunday. And I don't even have another car yet. I'm going back to work soon. Plus there's doctor appointments up the ass. And I usually don't want him driving too much because the whole wasting gas thing plus he's an aggressive driver. And today, he's like, "Can you watch Layla for 30 minutes so I could go to the police station?" And on the way there, the rental gets nailed. Again, "Serena, it wasn't my fucking fault." We just got into a huge argument. He told me, "Fuck you. You care more about the car than me. I'm in pain. My fucking neck hurts." Yeah, and it's my fault your neck hurts how? How many times are you going to make me rip my hair out before you're satisfied? If I say, "No, Issac, you can't take the car." He flips on me.

Layla's getting closer and closer to having single parents.

whoring@gmail.com — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 18:57:48 GMT

If we didn't have a kid together, I would so fucking leave him.

Hello.

whoring@gmail.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 18:51:51 GMT

The longer I stare at her, the more she looks like her father. All she has is my nose and coloring... and I did all the work.

Funny baby.

whoring@gmail.com — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:57:22 GMT

Layla.

whoring@gmail.com — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 18:13:27 GMT

March 3, 2:00AM. I went to pee, which is nothing unsual... I always pee. However, when I stood up, a wave of pain shot across my lower back. I held onto the sink until it passed, cuz the son of a bitch hurt like hell. Then I crawled back into bed. Five minutes later, another one hits me. I know you're supposed to breathe, but I held my breath until it passed. I'm bad. I didn't know if it was real or fake, so I didn't wake Issac up. I just laid there, clinging to the pillow. Finally, after several more contractions, I started whimpering. Issac woke up, asked me what's wrong... I told him my back hurts... he jumped out of bed, threw on his clothes, dragged me out of bed (it took him awhile because I was pretty adamant about not going to the hospital), and off we went. I called Kyla (my nurse friend who was at work) along the way. Issac pulled over and started vomiting. XD I was just like... ok... poor thing. He was nervous. Then I called the doctor and she told me to come in. They could barely hear me over the phone because every time a contraction hit, I started whispering. When we got to the hospital, they wheeled me into a room and hooked all sorts of things on my belly. Steph, my nurse, gave me apple juice to try and wake the baby up. She told me I was contracting but the baby was still sleeping. They needed her up. Eventually, they took me to another room. Steph was like, "Alright, we're going to move you now." I'm like, "Why?" And she's like, "So you can have your baby." I knew I was gonna, but when she said it, I felt like freaking out. The contractions started to get stronger and stronger. Hours passed as I curled up into a ball and clung onto the bed rail. I handled it pretty well. It wasn't until the doctor came to break my water that I started getting mean. I didn't want the epidural at first, but I had back labor, which killed... and when I started snapping and swearing at Issac was when I realized I needed drugs. Since it was 7 and the shift was changing, I had to wait for someone from the OR to come and give me my epidural. About 30-40 minutes, the guy finally came. He was asking me all sorts of questions. I could barely make some of em out cuz it hurt so bad. Everytime a contraction hit I whispered, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to let this one pass first, then I'll answer your question." The nurses and doctors loved me cuz I was so pleasant through it all. After giving me the epidural, the doc was like, "You just had a really big contraction, how did it feel?" I was nodding off... but I was like, "What contraction?" It was great. During the pushing, it hurt, but it wasn't too bad. I didn't scream or yell or anything. I figured why waste my breath yelling and screaming when I could just focus on pushing and get it all over with. Besides, when you scream and yell, it makes you thirsty, and I wasn't allowed to drink anything so... I would have been extra tired and wouldn't be able to push as efficiently. At first, I was just pushing to push, but eventually I was able to focus on where I was pushing and everything went smoothly. The nurse had to stop me and tell me to stop pushing because we had to wait for the doctor to get there. I was so mad, cuz there I was, with the baby's head almost out and she asked me to hold on for the doctor. It hurt so bad cuz the pressure of her head was killin' me. Then the doc came and asked me to push a few more times. At the end, Issac was like, "::GASP:: IT'S A BOY!" I stopped pushing and was like, "WHAT?!" And Kyla was like, "No, no, it's a girl! It's a girl!" Dude, I freaked out. But I got my little girl. Everything after that was a blur. :)

Layla Jade Ferreira
8 lbs. 5 oz

Life feels so different all of a sudden.

Still fat.

whoring@gmail.com — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 18:57:15 GMT

I think I'm probably going to go further than my due date. However, I definitely won't go further than March 7th, because that's my induction date. ;_;

whoring@gmail.com — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 00:24:21 GMT

The wait is killing me. She needs to get the fuck out.

The little things in life.

whoring@gmail.com — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 17:48:10 GMT

It's just one of those damn days where you wake up and think, "I want coffee and donuts." So, I sent Issac out to get me some. He knows my order by heart. A medium iced mocha latte extra extra and a chocolate jimmy donut. Well, when he got back, my coffee had NO sugar. At all. I was disappointed, but whatever. Then, I opened the donut bag and it had NO sprinkles. That was it. The tears started and there I went, wailing like a banshee. Poor guy. He thought my water broke.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention. The other day. Well, maybe 3 days ago, I think. I didn't get out of work til 2. I usually get out by 11:30. But by 10:30, I was having some vicious cramps and back pain. So my resource nurse hounded me to go downstairs and get checked. So I went and they did a bunch of tests. It took awhile. I was having some minor contractions. And... they forbid me to lift anything above 25 lbs. Which sucks, cuz my job basically IS lifting. I was walking down the hallway with a big box of gloves and Sandy goes, "Hey missy, that's more than 25 lbs." They're really up my ass now.

whoring@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 04:44:50 GMT

I feel so incredibly fat.

Happy New Year's.

whoring@gmail.com — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:15:54 GMT

Clinicals for this semester is now over! Bwahahaha! No more waking up at 5am. @_@

Two exams and 2 finals and I'm all set. Tee hee.